U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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