I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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