whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
