Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
