Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
