Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
