I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
