If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
