It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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