Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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