I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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