jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
