I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I just want nice things and good sex
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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