my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
