I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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