3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
