I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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