happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
