Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
