I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I need to sanitize my soul.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
