Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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