Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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