Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Randomize
