I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
