Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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