the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
