giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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