I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
