A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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