What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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