Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
