I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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