Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
