Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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