Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
