She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
