Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
