I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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