Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
