it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
