She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
