yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
