no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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