I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
