you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
i think my cat just said my name.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
