ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
