we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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