I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
