No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
