It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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