Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
