I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
