its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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